God is Gracious {Western NC Portrait Photographer}

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes just staring at this blank page, trying to figure out what to write. It's so difficult to put into words this last year. So I'll just start with telling our story, but it goes back before this past year. This is going to be long, but I do hope you'll read the whole story because it is so special to us.

Our first family picture before Shaun moved in

Our adoption story really starts over 2.5 years ago before I even had a thought about having children. Our story begins with an unexpected pregnancy. Eric and I had been married for about 3.5 years, and we were perfectly happy just being the two of us. We didn't want kids for several more years, and then God rocked our world with a positive pregnancy test, well more like 5 pregnancy tests (I was in denial). I went from crying because I was completely terrified about being pregnant one day to being so excited about it the next. Our love had created a child, and we were both giddy with excitement. We began picking out names, and I was struggling through early pregnancy symptoms (nauseous all the time!). Well, about 2 weeks after we found out we were expecting, we were devastated by a miscarriage. I can not express the absolute pain I felt. I felt like sadness and darkness were going to completely consume me. I felt like there was a hole in my chest, that part of me had died. I couldn't function for several days, and I was so hurt that God would allow us to be so happy and excited only to take away the source of that happiness. Sorry to start of with such a depressing part of our story, but this is a huge part of it. 

God immediately began to teach me though. Through my sadness over the loss of our child I began to understand a little more the pain that God must have felt over the loss of His son. I know the loss of my child doesn't even come close to the loss/heart-ache that God felt, but God did use it to break my heart over what He did for me in giving His son's life for my life. I could go on and on about all the things that God has taught me and continues to teach me through the loss of our first child. I have been able to encourage and comfort other mothers who have dealt with the same thing, and the biggest thing I think is that God changed my heart. While I still have moments where I can't keep myself from crying over the loss of our first child, God made me realize how much I desire to be a mother.

After a few months, Eric and I started talking about adoption. I knew from a young age that one day I wanted to pursue adoption, but that was always after I'd been married for a very long time...haha...funny how God changes things. He also changed my heart about adoption. Foster care was never something I considered. I also wanted to do international adoption, but there was no way we could afford that. Then one day I read an article at church about foster care and at the same time we were reading through Crazy Love, and God broke my heart. I cried and cried, and I told Eric I thought we should pursue foster care. So one day I was looking through craigslist and I looked through the non-profit jobs. Yeah, a strange thing to be doing, but I found an ad for Christian foster parents through Bair Foundation. I decided to email the Bair Foundation after I talked to Eric about it. That same day I received a call back from Bair telling me about trainings and orientation that they had coming up. So in about a week's time we were starting foster care training, and after a few months we were licensed therapeutic foster parents.

We had several foster care placements before our son, all of those being teenage girls. :) One of those placements ended up becoming my little sister after my parents adopted her. Her name is Lyn, and she was with us for 10 months. You've probably seen other blog posts about Lyn.

One of Lyn's senior portraits taken by yours truly.

After we'd had Lyn for awhile, we received a call about a 6 year old, African American boy for a possible pre-adoptive placement. We were really excited because we had such a desire for a little boy, and we've always dreamed that one day we'll have a colorful family with kids from all different races. We prayed about this placement and decided to go for a meeting with the social worker of the little boy. She gave us information about the child. He'd been neglected, abused, and had alot of behavioral issues. He had been in foster care since he was 3 years old, and he had been labeled unadoptable because of his issues. This didn't scare us off though. From the time we heard about this sweet boy, we couldn't wait to meet him. So, we set up a time to meet our potential son at his current foster home. At the time he was living with the sweetest elderly African American couple, and we still are in contact with them.

The day we went to meet, I was so nervous and excited, I thought I might throw up. We'd prayed and prayed for a child of our own, and here we were getting ready to meet the boy who could become our son. So much nervous anticipation! Then we got to his house, knocked on the door, and there he was. He had a chubby cheeks, a huge grin, but the first thing I noticed was his amazing eyes. Those light caramel eyes with long, dark, curly eyelashes. He was gorgeous. We were able to talk and play with Shaun for about 15 or 20 minutes. We knew from then on that he was to be our forever son. It just felt so right, and we had such peace.

Those big brown eyes that captivated my heart.

We planned several more visits, and we had a couple of overnight stays with our sweet boy. Then on June 23, 2011 we got the phone call that everything had been approved and Shaun could be moved into our home. So on June 24, 2011 at 8:30 in the morning, I went to Shaun's foster home, and picked him up. There were tears and hugs, and Shaun was filled with excitement as was I. I was also heart broken for the foster family who had loved him for almost 2 years. Since they are elderly, they could not handle nor were they able to adopt Shaun, but they are still involved and are like a 3rd set of grandparents. They were such a support to us in the transition time. I absolutely adore them!

The first couple of months with Shaun were so difficult. For one, the week after Shaun moved in my Granny Jo (my mom's mother) passed away unexpectedly. Shaun's second week with us involved meeting my huge family and Eric's family as well. It was difficult because I was heartbroken and overjoyed at the same. I was so sad that my Granny Jo didn't have the chance to meet the son that I had told her all about it, but I know one day she will. :)

I won't go into all the details of the last year; it has been a crazy one with lots of ups and downs. The adoption process took almost one year exactly. He moved in with us on June 24, 2011 and on June 18, 2012 we received the phone call that he is legally ours. It hasn't been an easy year, but we didn't expect it to be. 

Shaun has alot of heartache in his past, and it has caused him to have PTSD and other disorders that I won't go into here. It makes me so sad that our child has such a difficult time sleeping at night because of nightmares and fear that he has been left alone or taken. But God is so good. Even with all of the things my little boy has been through in his short life time and all the things he has seen that no child should have to see, he is still vibrant and full of life. My son is an overcomer. He is one of the smartest kids in his class, and I'm not just saying that, his teacher said so. :) He was advanced in every subject this year, and he also got 3rd place in the 1st Grade Spelling Bee. I'm just a little proud if you can't tell. :D

My boy also has one of the most loving and caring hearts I've ever seen. He loves Jesus, and he wants all of his friends to love Jesus too. He loves to read his Bible, he loves music, and he loves to learn. He wants to be just like his daddy, and that makes my heart swell with pride and love for my husband. No my son isn't perfect, he can be bossy, hyper, and defiant, but he is mine and I am his. We are his forever family, and I adore him.

Some people may wonder how we can adopt an older child. I know it seems difficult, and I won't lie, it is. I have dealt with alot of sadness because I have missed so many of his firsts. I have no idea what my son looked like as a baby. I don't know what his first word was. I don't know when he took his first step. I didn't get to feel him growing inside me or to kiss his little fingers and toes as a baby. I didn't get to give him his first bath or change any of his diapers. I didn't get to save him from the pain he felt from being neglected and abused, but I do get to be a part of the healing process. I got to be the one to see him ride his bike for the first time without training wheels, and the pride he felt in himself in that moment. I get to be the one to comfort him when his nightmares wake him in fear. I get to be the one to cuddle him and love him now. I get to be the one to receive sweet kisses on the cheek and "I love you mom." I'll get to be the one to cheer him on at games and to encourage him when he loses. I get to be the one.

I am so blown away and so humbled that God chose us to be the parents to Shaun Michael Keel. I don't feel worthy of this privilege, and I know I am not. God has taught us so much about his grace, patience, mercy, and love through this whole parenting experience. I know He is going to continue to teach us, grow us, and transform us, and I hope at the same time He uses us to teach, grow, and transform Shaun.

I'll end with the meaning of Shaun's name. We did change Shaun's name when he was adopted, but he was already going by Shaun when he moved in with us because it was short for his first name. We decided to stick with Shaun, and one day I looked up the meaning of that name. Shaun means "God is gracious." I had tears of joy roll down my cheeks as I read the meaning of his name because it is so true. God has been so gracious to us by giving us Shaun. We decided to change Shaun's middle name to Michael because that is my husband's middle name. At the time I didn't realize that Michael means "Who is like God?" No one is like my God. He has turned the ashes of my heartache over our first child into beauty with our son Shaun. Shaun is my beauty for ashes. God is so gracious, and He loves us so much. I am so honored to be a part of something as beautiful as adoption. Sorry to write so much, but I hope you have stuck it out. If you have, then thank you for taking the time to be a part of our story. Be on the look-out for more posts about our family in the future.